Home is where the heart is
by Captain JaneRoad
Summary: Voyager arrived on Earth, but Kathryn isn't really home. Rated T, just because I don't know for sure how to declare it.


**_Hey guys!_**

 ** _This is the first story, that I upload here._**

 ** _I am from Germany and actually planned to translate all my already existing stories into English as an exercise, since I will leave to the US on monday, where I'll spend a year._**

 ** _But while working on the first one, this little thing strucked my mind._**

 ** _Enjoy and please review! and also note, that English is not my first language, if you find mistakes, please tell me, because I want to improve my English._**

Kathryn Janeway looked out of the window and could finally see it - Earth. They had made it home. The past seven years had been hard, but they did it. A huge burden had been lifted off her shoulders, but with it her sense of life. Her goal, reaching the Alpha Quadrant, had been the only thing to keep her going for years. So, what now?

The cup of coffee in her hand, she turned away from the window to look around her quarters. They had been her home for their journey. 'But where is my real home?', a part of her askd herself, but it was not the time for questions like that. She had to get ready for the parade. 'Oh, how I hate parades! But what can I do?', she sadly thought.

Admiral Nechayev had wanted for the crew of Voyager to arrive on Earth, celebrate and reunite with their families, first. Only after the parties were over, she wanted to start the debriefings. That's what Admiral Paris had told Janeway. So she got ready for that. Kathryn didn't want to be paraded around, she didn't want to attend those big celebrations. She just wanted to...but what was it that she really wanted? Actually, she only wanted to get it over with the debriefings, but who was she to question the Admiral's decisions?

Her Captain's mask sat perfectly, when she left her quarters to head for the turbolift.

One week later

After the parties had ended and every crew member had seen their families, they were assigned to their debriefings. Most of the crew finished within two days or less, but Headquarters took longer for the Command team. Or what was left of it. They hadn't been happy with Captain Janeway's decision to integrate the Maquis into her crew. The former Maquis and the Equinox crew were considered criminal and were sued for their crimes, while Kathryn Janeway sat at Headquarters with a few Admirals and defended her decisions in the Delta Quadrant. But her mind was elsewhere, it was with her crewmembers, who stood infront of the court.

Another three weeks later

After Kathryn Janeway had finally finished her debriefings, the brass wanted her to see a counselor. The whole crew, the Maquis and Equinox excluded, had to undergo that, Admiral Paris had promised to assign the best they had to the Voyager crew - Deanna Troi. Since her crew had finished a long time before her, Kathryn was the last one to have an appointment with the half Betazoid. She didn't expect much, but she knew that she had to see her, the counselling sessions were routine after every mission.

"Good morning, Captain. How are you?", Troi greeted her warmly as she entered. "I am feeling fine", Kathryn answered, her mask perfectly in place. She should have known better than to try to lie on the half Betazoid. Deanna immediately sensed her lie. "I know, you're not. Please, try to be honest with me. I'm half Betazoid, I can sense your feelings, but it is better for you, if you don't lie to yourself."

Deanna had seen the captain on the parade. Janeway's face had been a mask, back then, and right now, she was looking the same. That woman had problems showing her personal side, Troi realised. She always hid behind her uniform. And Deanna understood it. After seven years of commanding a lone ship in the Delta Quadrant, she would have had the same problem. But even though she understood it, it wasn't doing any good for the captain, who now sat to her right on the couch. And it was her task to help bring the woman behind the captain back to the surface.

"When was the last time, when you didn't think about Starfleet and its regulations, when you did what YOU really wanted?" Kathryn couldn't even remember that. For the past seven years, she had buried her emotions deep in her heart. This time, she answered honestly. "I don't know." Her face didn't change, it was as neutral as ever. For Troi, it seemed like there was a Vulcan sitting infront of her instead of a human. But how could someone change like that? Isolation maybe. Deanna could imagine, how lonely it had to be at the top of the command structure. But there had to be something else, but Troi couldn't put her finger on it.

She then noticed, that Kathryn Janeway seemed be lost in thought. She didn't want to intrude in her thoughts, so she politely asked. "What are you thinking about? About your family and your home?" That was, what most of Voyager's crew could only think of, maybe the same was the case with her Captain. She had to bring Janeway out of her shell. But her response only showed Deanna, how much of a strain the past seven years had been on the Captain.

"I don't know what home means, anymore," she replied, her face still the same. Even now, she wore a mask of strength and will, but one that couldn't fool the counselor. Her eyes were ice cold and without feeling. It was like Janeway didn't have any emotions. Right, she was very close to a Vulcan, Tuvok, but even he couldn't have influenced her that much. She was a wreck, a body without a soul. Kathryn was lost, only Captain Janeway had survived the voyage through the Delta Quadrant. A person as logical and as cold as a Vulcan.

Silence filled the room and Deanna didn't bother. Janeway seemed to be comfortable in the silence, which was understandable. First, all the parties and curious people, and then the endless debriefings. In one aspect, the debriefings seemed to have had a positive effect. The press wouldn't let the Captain, the hero of the Delta Quadrant and the Golden Girl of the Federation, as some channels had nicknamed her, have one minute of peace. Inside headquarters, she was at least safe of them. But it had been a hard month for Janeway and Deanna was impressed, how she could keep up her mask after that time. But it shouldn't surprise her, since there was nothing that could be hidden behind a mask, because the mask was the only thing still existing of Janeway.

Starfleet had wanted a complete psychological evaluation, like they had wanted for each crew member. Of course, they wanted to be sure, that the Voyager crew could be reintegrated in a normal command structure and be given assignments. Normally, Deanna would have said that persons like this couldn't be let near a starship again, that space hadn't been good for them. But this was a different case.

There was nothing left on Earth for Kathryn Janeway. Her mother and her sister had been killed in an accident only three days before Voyager's return. She didn't have a family, she didn't have a home on Earth. The stars were her sense in life, and if she took that away from her, Troi didn't want to imagine, what would happen to that small woman. So she decided to convince Janeway to take a break. Maybe that would safe the pieces of her soul. Troi would recommend to give her a ship again, but only after she had taken a leave.

Glad, that Janeway had at least got some time to recuperate, she told her about her decision. She then dismissed her with very direct words. "Home is where the heart is. But you seem to have lost your heart somewhere. You have to find it, or you'll break sooner or later." Janeway only nodded and then left the room.

Janeway headed to her temporary quarters in San Francisco. On her way, the words of Counselor Troi were still in her mind. 'Home is, where the heart is. But where is my heart?'

Not knowing where to go, Kathryn's feet dragged her to a transport station. As she stepped off the platform, she walked and walked, just to arrive at her old house in Indiana, the house where she had grown up. Standing infront of the door, she rang the old fashioned bell, but no one opened the door. That was, when Kathryn realised, that there was no one to open the door. Kathryn took the key under the doormat and let herself in.

All the memories strucked her at once, it was too much for Kathryn. Standing infront of her mother's favorite photograph, she let out a cry of pain and sadness. The four persons in the photo smiled happily. It had been taken on the day, when Kathryn had left with her father and Justin, aboard the Terra Nova. Not knowing that they'd never make it back home, Edward had wanted a picture of the whole family. He was standing on the right side, his arm was laying on the shoulders of Kathryn before him. Gretchen Janeway stood next to her husband, she held Phoebe in her embrace. All of them were happy, not knowing that that should be there last day as a happy family.

Kathryn couldn't fight the tears anymore. She sank to the ground crying and shaking. Why? What had she done to deserve this? Why hadn't she died, why did she have to be left behind? To be left by all persons who were important for her? Kathryn had never felt that alone before.

When someone knocked at the door, Kathryn was surprised. 'Who could that be?', she asked herself surprised. Her mom and her sister were dead and who would know that she was here? She opened the door to see Admiral Owen Paris, her mentor at the Academy. "Admiral", she greeted him formally, "what...", but Owen put her off. "You don't have to be so formal, Kathryn. I came to give my condolescences for your loss. I know, it's been a month already, but I know you. You wouldn't deal with it until everything was sorted out at Headquarters." Stunned, Kathryn let him in.

"I've heard of Deanna's evaluation. She recommended for you to take a leave, so what will you do, now?", Owen wanted to know. "I honestly don't know", Kathryn replied. "There's nothing here for me, amymore." Paris understood his former protégé, she was a person who needed social contact. And that was, when an idea formed in his head. He knew that Kathryn had formed a bond to her crew. Unfortunately, Owen didn't know where most of the crew was, but he knew where the Maquis and Equinox crew where. The Admiral was one of the few people, who couldn't comprehend Starfleet's decision to sue them. It had been him, who had tried to support them. Without him, there wouldn't even have been a trial, they would have been quickly convicted. Owen Paris fought for them very hard. Of course, he didn't want to put Kathryn Janeway under pressure, but he was sure that she could help her crew. And while doing that, she'd also help herself.

The next day

Everything was over. This was the day, when they'd all be convicted and send into a penal colony, Chakotay was sure. But he was surprised, when the lawyer announced: "We will hear another defense witness. I call Kathryn Janeway to the witness stand." Chakotay was stunned and surprised, that Kathryn would do this. After everything that he'd said to her.

Flashback - three weeks before

It was the day, when Chakotay was told that he and all the others would be court martialed. He couldn't believe it. Kathryn had always told him, that she was trying to convince Starfleet to not do that. She had lied, Chakotay was sure of that. Exactly in this moment, his former captain crossed his way, reading a PADD. Chakotay was so angry, he got out of control. He grabbed her arm and held her back. When Kathryn spun around and faced Chakotay, he say regret in her face. "Why have you lied to me?", he asked angrily. "You said that you'd convince Starfleet. You lied to me!", he shouted. "Chakotay, I've...", Kathryn tried to reason with him, but Chakotay was too angry. He interrupted Janeway. "You've what? Promised us a life in peace on Earth, as Federation citizens, but you only thought about your mission to catch the Maquis. You handed us over to Starfleet, while you are celebrated as a hero. I'm disgusted."

The last words, he literally spat into her face. That hit Kathryn hard. She had done everything she could, but it hadn't been enough. She didn't know what to reply, she was too stunned by Chakotay's outburst. She had always thought of him as a calm and controlled person. Fighting to regain control of her thoughts, Kathryn looked down. "Oh know, do you dare to look me in the eyes, you puppet of Starfleet?" With that, Chakotay slapped his former captain straight across the face, which let her almost fall. Shocked, she tried to regain her balance. Janeway shot him a glance and turned to leave. Shocked, too, by his own behavior, Chakotay took the PADD, Kathryn had lost.

Present time

Chakotay regretted every word he'd said that day. On the PADD, he'd found a message of Admiral Paris, who had told Kathryn, that her fight had been in vain. 'How could I be that blind? She fought for us the whole time. Why have I done this?', he had asked himself.

He saw Kathryn walking to the witness stand. She was thinner than ever, obviously she hadn't paid attention to her health during the last weeks. But he still didn't understand, why she'd support them. "Captain, please tell us, what you see in the accused", the lawyer requested. And Kathryn began to talk.

"For the past seven years, I have commanded Voyager's crew, one of the finest crews, Starfleet ever had. The former Maquis and Equinox crew have been fine officers, they integrated themselves into the command structure very well and have been serving loyally. I do not understand, why you see them as criminals. They are a part of my crew and I have sworn to defend my crew until the end. They used to be criminals, yes, but they have changed for the better. And without Chakotay and his Maquis crew, Voyager would most likely be still stuck in the Delta Quadrant. When I look them in the eyes today, I see brave and loyal people, who have learned their lesson in life and took the chance to change. I trust everyone of them with my life and I have vowed to myself, that I would give it for each and everyone of them."

"Thank you very much", the lawyer said and then turned to the judge, an old Vulcan. "These people have changed, they are not the persons, they used to be. They have dedicated themselves to Voyager's mission to return home. That's why I advocate for not guilty." The judge had to think for a while and the trial was paused.

When Kathryn walked past him, Chakotay couldn't hold back anymore. "Why have you done this?", he wanted to know. The tiny woman turned. "I just said that. Because of what I have vowed." With that, she wanted to turn away, but Chakotay, but Chakotay continued to talk. "I'm sorry. I've been such an idiot. I should have known that you would give your best for us, like you always did. And do. I was too angry in that moment. Ca...can you forgive me?", he asked. "No, I can't", Kathryn replied, "because I already have. Chakotay, I know you. You wouldn't do that without a reason. I have failed, when you needed me. So the question is: Can you forgive me for failing?" "No, I can't", was Chakotay's answer, "because you haven't failed. Not in my eyes. The fact, that you showed up today, helped me more than every lawyer or supporter."

The judge had finished thinking and the trial continued. When the lawyer of the Maquis and Equinox crew members wanted to call another defense witness, but the judge held up his head. "I have come to a conclusion." Chakotay held his breath. He was sure that they had lost. The judge continued.

"I hereby discharge everyone of the accused, there wont be any penalties." Chakotay couldn't believe it. He was free. When he turned to go, a reporter stood in his way. "So what will you do, know that you are free?", he asked. "I will kiss the woman I love", he said and before anyone could react, he crossed the distance between Kathryn and him. She too was too surprised to move. When she felt his lips on hers, it felt amazing. Kathryn returned the kiss and wished that it would never stop.

But sadly, it did, when both of them had to breath. Then Chakotay kneeled down. "I sadly don't have a ring with me, right now, who could have known that you'd show up." He smirked. "But nevertheless, Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway, do you want to marry me?" Kathryn was taken aback. All those people around them held their breath, waiting for Kathryn's answer. "Yes, I want to." Then, the people applauded.

Leaving the building together, Kathryn and Chakotay immediately caught glimpse of Deanna Troi making her way towards them. "Congratulations. And Kathryn, Welcome home." Yes, now she was finally home.

 ** _THE END_**


End file.
